022 | LIFE FOOTNOTE #02 - FAREWELL

1:26:00 PM

It was a quiet Christmas day as I tend to go alone and explore how the city became pretty nice during the Christmas scene. And yes, we’re at the edge of 2016. Another year, another experience. And personally, I guess I would take 2016 as a year to learn about anything, about everything.

I learned how to communicate. There’s never in my life I would think to take public speaking in a whole new level, because I know that my capability is far from there, and I am not going to be comfortable doing that. But this year, I wanted to break my fear in public speaking. And surprisingly, it works. It was a huge barrier here inside me to be able to talk in front of numbers of peoples. At the first time, I went to the toilet couple of times. I had panic attack. But I realise that I am the only one who can control those explosions I have inside. So yeah, let the rest be a history.

I learned how to deal with peoples from past. Yup, I used to know this person around 5 years ago. But as this going to be a bit personal, let’s call this person as “Neptune”. Neptune is basically a mutual friend between me & my long time memory. Neptune came to my life in the right time at the right place.

And I realised that I have an unfinished business with my stolen past. So in short, Neptune is the key to my stolen past. Because my memory locked the door forever. So I couldn’t open the door. Even until Neptune came to my life and I know that Neptune is the key to the locked door, things are not changed. I realise that even a right key cannot open a broken door. So yeah, just let it be an unfinished business.

I learned how to set the goal as high as it could ever be. Because I started to be able to see that a goal is actually an honest pray in disguise. It’s actually a self reminder for myself as well. If you have one exact goal, aim high. There will always a way. No matter how fast or how slow. Because if you ain’t aim high enough, you may gain the same proportion as what you wish. So you better make it high, reach high. The wind is going to be hard but it’ll worth the pain, I believe.

I learned how to accept myself. At the very basic, I am back to what I wanted myself to be like. So that is why I decided to go back to my bald head. And yes, some people like, some people don’t. But I’m okay. Being comfortable with myself is the first thing that is important for me at the moment because I spent most of my life being judged at my body image, my hair, everything. I know the judgements won’t stop, but I just wanted to tell myself to stop listen at the negativities.

I learned how to not panic in a hard situation. Mom had mild stroke 2 weeks before her birthday earlier this year. Dad was on duty overseas. It was 2 AM midnight and it was me & my Mom, just two of us. She screamed loudly in an inarticulated voice and that time I realised I'm in trouble.

I asked help at social media in order to calm myself that I'm not alone, and in hoping that someone would help. And I realised it was one difficult situation, knowing that I am struggling dealing with anxiety. It was really hard.
Today, Mom gets better and she made me a bowl of spinach corn soup. She just told me that it is quite long time she hasn't do a bowl of dinner for me. I directly felt bad for myself because it's like she's the only woman who give her support in what I'm doing.
But I often forget her because I'm chasing thing that I knew that I might not going to get it. She's second to none for being the only woman I can put my trust with. There's a time she told me to follow my heart. But lesson learned, Mom. You were right.

I hope 2017 will do something good for me-- for us.

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